In His Hands

We heard Luke's heartbeat for the first time one year ago today.

It was a time of celebration and hope.

I remember the day very well as I braced myself for worst, but prayed for the best. I sang, "He's got the whole world in His hands", knowing that my God is BIG and holds everything in the palm of His hands.

The days and weeks leading up to the appointment were sometimes more than I could take, I would let Satan get the best of my thoughts. He would invade and remind me of the pain of my previous miscarriages. It would almost paralyze me. I would pray and ask God to be with me, but more importantly be with the little one inside of me.

It's a fear that grips me today. A fear that stops me in my tracks. A fear that will again raise its ugly head one day when we add to our family once more. A fear of loss. A fear of hurt. A fear that I AM NOT IN CONTROL.

I remember the same fear in July 2006 as I entered the doctors office, on a hot summer day, anticipating hearing the beautiful heartbeat our first child. Blake and I were so excited, giddy, and bursting at the seams to tell everyone! He/She was going to be the first grandchild on both sides, needless to say after 4 years of marriage, everyone ready for a baby! I was 12 weeks pregnant after the first "try" and had had the perfect pregnancy, up to that point. It was storybook. But my fairytale was about to take a sad turn of events. The doctor took his Doppler out of his pocket, my heart was pounding. As he began to look and listen, I held my breath. He searched for about five minutes, and at this point I began panicking, which for me involved crying. He reassured me that he couldn't guarantee hearing a heartbeat with a Doppler until 14 weeks, but was going to send me for an ultrasound just to be sure. I left the room with a lump in my throat and made the appointment, it was two days away.

The next two days felt like an eternity. I couldn't imagine how I was going to get through the next 48 hours, but with the support of our families, encouraging words from friends, and prayers to our Heavenly Father, the days passed.

As the appointment approached, we went back to the doctors office, but this time, we went to the ultrasound room. As we walked in, I looked up at Blake as he said, "I'm sure everything is going to be alright." I remember laying there, holding Blake's hand, while we waited to see our baby on the screen. But, the longer technician took, the more reality seem to set in. I finally said, "Is everything ok?" He looked at us with such loving eyes, and said that I had miscarried the baby weeks prior, yet my uterus was still growing. The next few minutes are sort of a blur. I remember him saying that he and his wife miscarried twins, and that it happens to 1 out of every 6 women. But that was about it. We were escorted out the back of the building, so we didn't have to face everyone in the waiting room.

Fear. My worst fears had come true, I was losing something that I had already begun to love, make plans for and anticipate with such excitement. Surgery was scheduled and my heart was broken. My sadness suffocated me so much that it clouded my thoughts in the next few months. It was only compounded by the diagnosis that my grandfather had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He lived only three months. Fear. I was losing someone else, once again.

It was a fear that I felt years later as we tried for our second child. Unfortunately, when my fears came true again, with our second miscarriage, I had to remind myself that once again I am not in control and that He gives and takes away.

As I think about one year ago today, when we heard our little Luke's heartbeat...oh, how thankful I am for His sweet blessing. He is in control, and I am not. No matter how hard I try, I have to let go and give it all over. Fear of losing someone, fear of not loving someone enough, fear that I am not in the drivers seat. It's something I pray about and ask Him to help me with daily. I am so glad that my God is bigger than my fears, He's strong enough to take away all my doubts, and He cares enough to love me despite all my shortcomings.

It's all in His hands anyway, "He's got the whole world in His hands."

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6